This week in religion: Catholics

If you took somebody with no religious leanings whatsoever, locked that person in an insane asylum with absolutely nobody around and no stimuli, the Catholic religion is exactly what he'd come up with.

My favorite part of this religion is the act of confession. Catholics can fuck up all they want, then go in a week later and tell the priest, "Father, what should I do? I fucked up!" And the priest says, "Hey buddy, it happens! Eight Hail Marys and a side of fries and you're home free!" There's something so perfect about that.

I don't know how the priest figures out what kind of penance to give out. Is there a list somewhere? If you commit adultery, it's so many of this. And if you use the Lord's name in vain, it's so many of that. I can only imagine that when a priest is still in the seminary his teacher would say, "Here, memorize this list. You're gonna be needing it."

What happens when some special circumstance comes along. For arguments sake, what if a man fucks a donkey? I guess the priest would have to call the pope. "Hello, your holiness this is father Catinamosh from Chicken Mafia. Uhm, fine thanks! Yourself? Well your eminence, I've got a tricky one here. One of my congregants fucked a donkey earlier this week and he wanted to confess. The problem is, donkey fucking is not in the penance list, so what do I do? No, he didn't mention if the donkey was Catholic. Is that important?"