Looks like Scary Iverson has found his match....

"Please! Not in the ass!"

A few weeks ago, NBA fans everywhere raised their eyebrows when the usually useless Marko Jaric suddenly started playing like an All-Star. Being a fantasy basketball geek, I needed an explanation. A bit of quick research showed that he has been dating Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima.

I don't know much about Adriana Lima except that she's hot and that she models lingerie for Victoria's Secret, which seems to be the only requirement for being considered a "supermodel" nowadays. One thing I don't understand is, what is a supermodel doing with Marko freaking Jaric? She could do better... much better. Even Eva Longoria managed to snag Tony Parker for heaven's sake. Hey Adriana, how about Michael Jordan? He's single now.

Anyway, Marko Jaric soon went back to being useless, and I forgot all about Adriana until Christmas Eve, when I decided to take a look at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2007. Hey, don't judge me. The writers strike has severely limited my viewing options.

I had never seen Adriana Lima in action before, so I wasn't prepared for the moment when she appeared on the catwalk. I almost fell out of my chair. She looked so... fierce!

"Sieg Heil!"

Goodness. Is this woman angry all the time? She looks pissed off even when she's smiling. Her personality is the complete opposite of fellow Victoria's Secret model Heidi Klum's annoying sunshine-and-rainbows cheerfulness. Scary. I think I'm in love.

Adriana's dramatic entrance got the show off to an electrifying start. Next, the camera turned to the audience and briefly caught the guy from Doogie Howser, M.D. looking really uncomfortable, which for some reason made me laugh.

"Bitch, that dress would look so much better on me...."

For those of you who don't know, he's gay.

Unfortunately, the rest of the show was somewhat boring. I found myself fast-forwarding a lot--finished the 40-minute show in a little over 20. Heidi Klum screeched out a mushy love song in a duet with her husband Seal. Yuck. Fast forward. The reunited Spice Girls performed one of their awful songs from the 90s. Yuck! Fast forward!

Later, I found this fun Victoria's Secret drinking game on YouTube. Take a look.

Heh. I like this Brooke Marks chick. She's funny--or at least her writers are--and her observations on Adriana Lima are spot on. I don't know if Adriana really enjoys killing dogs, but the murderous look in her beautiful eyes tells me that it's completely plausible.

So... hide your dogs, people.

"Yikes! That man has scary tattoos!"

Those ballers need to grow some balls, heh.

Here are two unintentionally funny pictures from the last regular season meeting between the Golden State Warriors and the Dallas Mavericks.

Dude, you're blocking the wrong ball!

Sometimes, Karma kicks you in the balls.

Yesterday, the Warriors upset the heavily-favored Mavs to take a 1-0 lead in their best-of-seven series. Yay! It's always nice to see ballsy underdogs win.

OK, enough about balls.

I think I have a new favorite NBA player. His name is Scot Pollard.

Those of you who know him probably also know that he's more famous for his funny hair than for his basketball skills. He's pretty much useless as a player. Even at the peak of his career with the Sacramento Kings a few years ago, his only role was to foul Shaquille O'Neal six times whenever they go up against the LA Lakers. At least that's how I remember it.

Now that he's with the Cleveland Cavaliers, all he does is sit at the end of the bench in a suit and collect a fat paycheck every week for being tall. Like I said, he's useless.

So why did he suddenly become my favorite player? Because he managed to do something way cooler than a LeBron James dunk or an Iverson crossover. During a timeout in a game last week, Scot Pollard, who wasn't even playing, turned to the camera and said, "Hey kids, do drugs."

Hahaha! Nice advice for the kids! Unfortunately, his NBA bosses have no sense of humor (yeah, like they didn't smoke a joint or two themselves back in the 60s and 70s). Our Dunking Junkie was soon forced to apologize. Aw, that sucks. Why did he have to apologize? What's wrong with drugs? Drugs can be good for you!

Then again, Scot Pollard might have become a better player if he didn't do so much drugs... or if he did the right kind of drugs. Marijuana isn't exactly performance enhancing, you know.

John Amaechi was tonight's featured guest on the Daily Show with John Stewart.

Right now, you're probably asking, "John who?" Good question. I had the exact same question a few weeks ago when ESPN broke the news that John Amaechi became the first gay NBA player to come out of the closet. Huh? John who?

Of course, the media fawned over him. Oh, he's so brave! What an admirable act of courage! I'm sorry, but color me unimpressed. I know coming out isn't easy, but there are lots of openly gay people in the world, and just because you're a former NBA player doesn't make your coming out a big deal... especially if your name is John Amaechi.

The dude hasn't played professional basketball in years, so he doesn't have to deal with crap from teammates or fans. And when he did play, he sucked. Oops, bad word choice. Let's just say that he was useless as a player. I'd be impressed if it were Charles Barkley who came out. Heck, I'd be real impressed if Sir Charles McFattie can even fit inside the closet in the first place. John Amaechi? Meh. I consider myself quite knowledgeable about the NBA, but I couldn't even remember who the hell John Amaechi is.

I do remember Tim Hardaway. Now that's a real NBA player for you. So Hardaway was asked for his thoughts on the Amaechi situation during a radio interview. And you know what he said? He said that he hates gay people. Oh no! Why, Tim, why? Are you retarded? Haven't Mel Gibson and Michael Richards already taught you that celebrities aren't allowed to make politically incorrect remarks about minority groups like Jews, blacks, and gays?

Like Gibson and Richards, Hardaway was soon forced to apologize. What a chicken. Now he's not just a bigot but also a coward. He may have won a few Christian fans though, because everyone knows that God hates gay people too. That's right, Timmy. Amaechi is totally going to hell.

The 2007 NBA All-Star Weekend in Las Vegas was... meh. How bad was it exactly? Let's just put it this way: the footrace between Charles Barkley and 67-year-old referee Dick Bavetta was probably the highlight of the weekend.

Heh... that was somewhat entertaining... I guess. One other somewhat entertaining event was the McDonald’s NBA "All-Star" "Celebrity" Game. "Celebrity" is in quotes because I couldn't recognize half the "celebrities" that participated, and "All-Star" is in quotes because most of the players were horrible--I've seen better basketball skills on playgrounds. Still, I consider the event somewhat entertaining because a bear somehow got into the game, which isn't something you get to see often unless you smoke weed often.

Hey, is that Chewbacca?

And you know what? The bear actually played better than some of the humans. That's how bad the "celebrities" were. I suck at basketball, but I'm pretty sure that I can beat Carrot Top in a one-on-one game. Even Dick Bavetta can beat Carrot Top in a one-on-one game.

The other events were mostly lifeless. And no, loud music and dancers in skimpy outfits don't automatically make things more exciting. OK, maybe a little... but not enough.

One more thing: if they invite freaking Nate Robinson to the slam dunk contest again next year, I'm gonna shoot myself. Wait, that's probably too drastic. Maybe I'll just not watch. Whatever.

The moment I have been waiting for 4 months will soon be realized. Yahoo is now opening their registration for Fantasy NBA. 4 month's worth of anticipation and excitement will all climax to this moment.

If it's still not evident, I enjoyed playing NBA Fantasy during the 04-05 season. I put so much enthusiasm and interest in studying the statistics of player and analyzing player movements to come up with a strong strategy. I take humble satisfaction in having a triumphant week against a worthy opponent. I like to play Fantasy NBA not because of winning, but because of competition, and I find it simply fun.

I am cordially inviting readers who follow the NBA, to join some of us chickenmafia.com bloggers in playing Fantasy NBA. Thank you =)

There's talk that there might be an impending work stoppage in the NBA for the next season. If this will be the case, NBA players need to look for some form of livelihood, in order to "feed their families" (paraphrasing Latrell Sprewell). With this in mind, I have come up with possible alternative TV jobs for NBA players, where they can still remain in the public eye.

1. Hollywood stunt doubles
- Robert Horry -> Will Smith
- Peja Stojakovic -> David Schwimmer
- Latrell Sprewell -> Snoop Dogg
- Kyle Korver -> Ashton Kutcher
- Pat Riley -> Don Johnson
- Phil Jackson -> Tom Selleck
- Rick Fox -> Rick Fox
- Mehmet Okur -> Mr. Big (Sex in the City)

2. Professional Wrestlers
As an avid wrestling fan, I can think of many characters and plots, if ever NBA players decide to wrestle professionally.
- Karl Malone as the aging superstar, alongside Gary Payton as his loudmouth manager
- Sibling rivalry between Ben and Rasheed on who is the dominant Wallace
- David Stern as the scheming General Manager (Kobe can also be a candidate)
- Stoudemire Boys with their finishing move of Amare doing a power bomb with Damon jumping from the top rope
- Young superstar Dwayne Wade with his bodyguard Shaq
- Multiple team matches between the Williams, Smiths, Browns, and Johnsons
- Dirk Nowitzki and Pau Gasol as the foreign snobs
- Robert Traylor as the obese wrestler
- Triple Threat Streetbrawl pitting Stephen Jackson, Jermaine O' Neal, and Ron Artest

3. Reality Show Contestants
- Darko Milicic in the Joe Schmo Show. After this season, the whole Pistons organization will admit that they are all actors plotting to see how he will react as a bonafide bench warmer.
- LA Lakers in the Survivor. Kobe Bryant will orchestrate the schemiest moves ever to win the top prize, an all-expense paid vacation during the playoffs.
- Mark Cuban in an Apprentice spinoff. Cuban will fire every Maverick and end up with his apprentice, Dirk.
- Karl Malone in Fear Factor. Malone will swallow something worse than cow brains, roaches, and squirrel guts - his pride, and play for the Spurs at minimum salary.
- Shaq in American Idol. Shaq, in a rendition of We Are The Champions, loses in the finals by just one vote, with Kobe texting in the swing vote during his all-expense paid Colorado getaway.