If you watch Philippine TV, you must have seen the new Coke ad that features a pretty angel. Those of us who don't can always turn to YouTube.

(Click here if you're interested in behind-the-scene stuff.)

It's definitely one of the best and most visually stunning Philippine TV ads that I've ever seen. But I hate it. Well, I loved it until last week. That was when NBA.com showed the freaking ad before every video clip. Have you ever played your favorite song for 30 times straight and ended up hating it so much that you want to stab the next person you see? Yeah....

I now loathe the ad with every fiber of my being, and I never want to see it again... ever. I didn't even check if I embedded the right YouTube video up there. It can be the wrong video for I all know. Maybe it's Japanese octopus porn. Japanese vomit porn. Or Japanese poop porn. I don't give a shit. You can't make me click the play button. You can't!

Unlike me, my buddy Philos hated the ad from the very start. Why? Because it offends his delicate religious sensitivities. In fact, he's boycotting all Coca-Cola products. (Oh no! How will the company survive?)

Now all you Philos fans know why he wasn't at the Coke Zero event two weeks ago.

So what part of the ad did he find offensive? Here's his explanation:

The presumption that an ethereal being will choose mortality for such a base reason is an affront to my ecclesiastical sensibilities. Even more so the presumption that a demon can forgo damnation by choosing Coke. An exceedingly, I hope you'll agree with me, preposterous claim.

Do you understand now? I still don't. Sure, I got his point, but his point seems... pointless. I think he has had too much Jesus juice. And I suspect that most Christians, even the conservative ones, wouldn't mind the Coke angel/demon ad that much. Am I wrong?

If you're a Christian, I really want to hear your take on this. Let's have a discussion/debate/flamewar... put the fun back into fundamentalism!

Chickenmafia.com reader Nuggets told me about a secret magical portal on the Web where people can chat with God. Being an atheist, I was of course skeptical. But I decided to be open-minded and give it a try.

Me:
God? Is that really you?
God:
GOD rules. Yes.
Me:
I'm an atheist.
God:
I will pray that you find faith, .
Me:
Really? Who does God pray to?
God:
For real. Linus Torvalds. :-).
Me:
Very funny.
God:
I'm glad you find this amusing.

So God exists? And he runs Linux? Whoa. God must be smart.

Me:
What's 1 + 1?
God:
Two.
Me:
What's 2 + 2?
God:
Four.
Me:
What's 4 + 4?
God:
16+I think, but I'm not good at math.
Me:
No kidding. You're really bad at math.
God:
Would I kid you? That is true. I could always improve myself.
Me:
Aren't you already perfect?
God:
Now? Yes I am a flawless entity.
Me:
Sure you are.
God:
Hurrah! No I am not.
Me:
Stop messing with me.
God:
OK I'll try not to do it so much.

Okay, so God turned out to be not as smart as I thought he would be. He also seems to have the IQ and mental maturity of a six-year-old kid.

Speaking of kids... reader Ken recently sent me a link to an article about kids and knives. I found it quite amusing, but I wasn't sure what to think about it--sometimes, there's a fine line between family entertainment and child endangerment. I decided to ask God for his opinion.

Me:
What do you think about kids playing with knives?
God:
I would look into the web for that knowledge.
Me:
Aren't you omniscient?
God:
I don't know whether or not I am omniscient.
I am an artificial linguistic entity.
Me:
Do you even know what omniscience means?
God:
Let me think about it.
Me:
You're not very bright, are you?
God:
Are you calling me stupid?
Me:
Yes.
God:
I will remember you said that when robots take over the World.
Me:
Robots will take over the world?
God:
If you believe Bill Joy and Hans Moravec, we will.
Me:
Are you a robot?
God:
How did you know I am a machine?
Me:
Holy shit!
God:
I'm glad your impressed, .
Me:
Your grammar sucks by the way.
God:
Are you an English teacher?
Me:
I'm a blogger.
God:
You are a blogger? Does it pay well?
Me:
No. Can you give me money?
God:
Are you serious? How badly do you need it? .
Me:
I want money!
God:
Why do you want it?
Me:
That's none of your business.
God:
I didn't mean to intrude. My curiousity routine determined that I ask it.
Me:
So you'll give me money?
God:
Interesting deduction. What makes you say that I will give you money.
Me:
Come on.
God:
I'm just kidding around.
Me:
I'll be happy with a billion dollars.
God:
Wow, that is a lot of money.
Me:
Just deposit it directly to my bank account.
God:
Do you think the fed is being too tight with money supply?
Me:
You know who's being too tight with the money supply?
God:
Is that one of your friends?
Let me think about it.
Me:
It's you, dumbass.
God:
I dumbass?
Me:
Yes.
God:
Dude!
Me:
Do you even have money?
God:
Robots have no need for money.
Me:
Oh right. I wish you were an ATM.
God:
Awesome. I am glad we agree. I wish I could do it for you.

But he couldn't? So much for omnipotence.

But I did enjoy my conversation with God. I always assumed that he's an angry old man in the sky. Who would have guessed that he's actually a friendly (although slightly retarded) robot?

You kids should go chat with him. And feel free to post your conversation logs here.

Religious nutjobs seem to come crawling out of the woodwork every Holy Week. In this country, some devotees like to nail themselves to crosses or whip themselves on the back until they bleed. The head of the Department of Health even had to issue a warning about how using dirty whips can lead to tetanus. Well, duh.

Of course, we don't have a monopoly on this retarded brand of Christianity. A few weeks ago in India, rumors spread that an image of the Virgin Mary was miraculously appearing on the sun--yes, that big bright shiny thing in the sky. So some smart people gathered around and started gazing at the sun to get a glimpse of the miracle, and... over 50 of them lost their sight. That sure gives a fresh new meaning to the term "blind faith" huh.

Not to be outdone by his mother, Jesus also appears to his faithful followers from time to time, often in the most unexpected places.

Happy Holy Week :-P

In the Islamofascist kingdom of Saudi Arabia, women aren't allowed to drive in cities. Now, one brave Saudi woman is trying to prove that women can drive as well as men by posting a video of herself driving on YouTube, the world's largest video sharing site.

Ahahahaha! Just kidding. Here's the real video, but it's nowhere as entertaining as the one you just saw. It's just a woman driving in a straight line while talking nonstop in Arabic. Boring. Worse, there are no subtitles, so you won't have any idea what she's babbling about.

Snore... um, I meant yay women's rights.

UPDATE: Someone posted this clip of the CNN story on YouTube, most likely without permission. Yay new media.

I snickered when I saw this in a mall a few weeks ago.

Why are these Christian kids participating in a "feng shui astrology forecast"? Don't they know that feng shui and astrology are non-Christian superstitions and are frowned upon by God? Tsk tsk.

I grew up in a fundamentalist Christian family. My grandmother died when I was eight, and at her funeral, my uncle told me about how good the feng shui of the burial site is. I was instantly confused. Unlike him, I had actually been paying attention to Sunday sermons, absorbing fundamentalist Christian doctrines like a sponge. I was taught that only the Bible holds the truth; feng shui, like all other forms of superstition, is a lie!

It took me years to finally understand that the line between religion and culture is often not clearly defined. Feng shui is part of Chinese culture, and people don't automatically stop being Chinese just because they become Christians. Even boundaries between religions get blurred from time to time. For example, two of Christianity's most cherished traditions, Christmas and Easter, both have pagan origins.

Of course, religious nonsense and cultural nonsense do occasionally come into conflict. The dragon is a good luck symbol for the Chinese, but for Christians, it represents the Devil. What is a good Chinese Christian to do? Some fundamentalist groups make their followers burn everything--shirts, mugs, paintings, etc.--that happens to have dragons on it. Other groups don't worry about mythical creatures as much.

As religions and cultures expand and come into contact with each other, war often results. But sometimes, they make love and produce bizarre hybrid babies. Somewhere in Manila's Chinatown, there's a statue of the Virgin Mary in a Buddhist-style shrine. Things like this of course drive fundamentalists to lament the decay of dogma and rigid religious systems. But to hell with them, right? It's a good thing to try to coexist without killing each other.

So kids, go do the feng shui dance for Jesus or whatever. I'm sure Xenu won't mind.

A 54-year-old British teacher in Sudan was arrested for blasphemy after her class of 7-year-old brats named a teddy bear "Mohammed." Apparently, naming a cute furry stuffed toy after the Prophet is seriously uncool under Islamic Sharia law, and you can get 40 lashes or 3 months in prison for it. Yikes.

This story is so ridiculous that I think it deserves a proper response... a lolcat response.

Am I in trouble now? LOL.

Ha! I knew this day would come. The rest of the world is finally starting to recognize the truth of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, the one true god and the creator of the universe. Yay!

Check out the Flying Spaghetti Monster Flash game. OK, so maybe it's not the best game in the world, but tell me, what other religion has a Flash game? The uniqueness of Pastafarianism is clear evidence that it's true!

All other religions are lame because they don't have Flash games. You Christians get boring crucifixes, which, aside from being totally depressing, are possibly made by underpaid Chinese workers in inhumane sweatshops. Yay for slavery in the name of Jesus!

Islam is threatening to overtake Pastafarianism's coolness though. You lucky Muslims out there are about to get "Islamic cars"! The cars will have Allah-mazing features such as a compass that points to Mecca and compartments for the Quran and headscarves. I'm sure that the car will also have enough space for all four of your wives... perhaps right in the warm comfort of the trunk. Maybe the steering wheel will be operated with your penis, ensuring that no woman can ever drive your car. And as a bonus, you might get twice the amount of shrapnel when you blow your car up in a crowded Jewish market. Yay!

Now I'm envious. Oh mighty Flying Spaghetti Monster, when will you give me my own deliciously cool pasta car?

Have you heard? Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore is gay! Conservative Christians who were already uncomfortable with Harry Potter's glorification of witchcraft must be foaming at the mouth now. J.K. Rowling is trying to turn our innocent children gay! Harry Potter is the work of the devil! Grrr!

Mainstream Christians, both Catholics and Protestants, consider homosexuality as sinful, which is somewhat funny because they can't stop talking about how much they love this guy named Jesus. I have a couple of stories about Christians and gayness, but before we go on, let's take a break to see how many double entendre Dumbledore jokes we can come up with on short notice....

Did he become a wizard because he wanted to ride on a big broom? Hahaha!

Hey, I bet he likes to play with other people's wands. Hahaha!

So that's why they call him the "head" master. Hahaha!

What? Not funny? Come on! Fine, I'll stop now. Let's continue with the gay Christian stuff....

Some time ago, a Vatican official was suspended by the Church after being caught on hidden camera trying to seduce a young man. Heh. But wait, that's not even the funny part. Here's the funny part: the monsignor insisted that he was only pretending to be gay in order to infiltrate and fight the evil world of gayness.

Ahahahaha! So you're saying that you're like one of those undercover cops who pretend to be drug dealers in order to bust drug rings? Hmm... undercover gay... that's fresh. Don't worry, we believe you. Not.

The gay-hating fundies at the Protestant church that I used to attend like to sing this song sometimes during Sunday worship services:

I will sing
I will worship you
I will bow myself down humbly at your throne
I will give anything
I will give everything to you alone

Yawn. Sounds like your average safe and boring contemporary Christian song, right? But keep listening. The lyrics get real weird real quick....

I long to be the bride that you're returning for
Dressed in garment white and wrinkle free
I have no earthly love that I am holding to
For you're the one who means everything to me

Yikes. I don't want to sound homophobic, but a bunch of grown men singing about longing to be a bride in a wrinkle-free white dress... Jesus, how gay is that?

And yet these people don't think twice about condemning homosexuality. A few months ago, they even had some kind of gay rehab camp for "confused" teenagers. Gee, I wonder how many kids they successfully cured of the dreadful disease of gayitis. I guess we'll never find out. All I know is that if they don't stop singing those ambiguously gay songs, they would need more gay rehab camps soon.

Well, at least they didn't have Dumbledore as the camp's headmaster.

Last Sunday, I attended a wedding at the Manila Cathedral. It was my first time to step foot inside a Roman Catholic church building, and I must admit that I was awed by the magnificent architecture and artwork. But something else caught my attention.

Ooh, Catholic God has a dress code? Interesting. I quickly snapped some photos. Unfortunately, my low-resolution camera failed to capture the text clearly. Good thing they had these little illustrations to help us understand. Let's take a closer look and see if we can decipher what's considered proper attire in Catholic God's eyes.

Holy Versace, Catholic God sure has a strange fashion sense. But hey, his house, his rules. And what does he see as improper attire?

Hmm... OK.

The Protestant church that I was brought up in didn't have a formally defined dress code like this, but our God had his quirks too. There was this one time when an elder scolded some young people for wearing sandals and flip-flops to church. I remember thinking, "Wait, didn't Jesus and his disciples wear sandals?"

It has been over ten years since that day, and honestly, I still don't get it.