I've been keeping this news clip for about a year now, biding my time until the opportune moment.

Pretty confident huh, Mr. Bayani Fernando? But then Frank happened.

This is a photo taken a few blocks from my home. Permit me to thank the wonderful people from our local water companies for keeping us safe with that line of yellow do-not-cross tape. Now if only you closed that hole up last April when you were done with it.

So now, you're thinking, "A politician promised something he couldn't deliver? Big deal!" Well apparently, he promised the same thing two years ago. I'm not sure what that does to his presidential aspirations. And to think he has started campaigning already. (By the way, why isn't he getting the flak the other senators are getting? At least they don't use public funds to punish us with their faces. Anyone?)

Translation: "The use of the road-rail station is free (no fee)." Okay, why do you feel the need to define the simple word "libre"? Do you think we're all morons? And while you're at it, why don't you define "road-rail station" instead? Thanks.

Anyway, for now, I'll just practice my island-hopping skills in anticipation of the next flood.

I just tried to unsubscribe from a mailing list. How hard can that be, right? Just enter my email address, click submit, and....

"There was a problem"? What the fuck? That has got to be the most useless error message since "Keyboard missing; press F1 to continue." And it's not as if I asked for something complicated. I didn't ask for world peace or a cure for cancer. All I wanted was to never see your crappy newsletters again. How can you possibly screw that up?

And don't you want to at least tell me what the problem was? No? Not even a little hint? Fuck you.

I'm usually a joyful chicken, but I do like to rant once in a while. You know, just spreading a little negative energy here and there. I think it's healthy. At least it is for me. Living things around me tend to wither and die when I get angry. Yay.

Going into random rant mode now... grrr....

>:(   >:(   >:(   >:(   >:(

What the fuck? That makes no sense. If I really can't read, I wouldn't have a fucking clue that I'm supposed to click there, would I?

>:(   >:(   >:(   >:(   >:(

If you're gonna make me wait 7 minutes for it, don't you dare call it fast-food. 7 fucking minutes! You know what I can accomplish in 7 minutes? That's enough time for me to prepare 3 1/2 cups of 2-minute instant noodles! 3 1/2 fucking cups! OK, maybe just 3 cups. Being the klutz that I am, I would most likely spill the third one and would have to start over. But you get the point.

>:(   >:(   >:(   >:(   >:(

What the fuck? Why are there tiny seeds in my seedless grapes? Yeah, yeah, I know. The English language is retarded. How can "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing while "seedless" and "less seeds" have different meanings, right? But hey, if you're going to put an English label on something, better make sure that you understand what it means. "Seedless" means no fucking seeds, not just less seeds, damn it! Comprehende? Good. Now you know exactly what I mean when I call you "useless."

>:(   >:(   >:(   >:(   >:(

Oh wow, I think I feel much better now. Yay! I should do random rants more often.

:-)

"Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion."

    --Dr. Evil
 

It's the final day of our Scientology Week! For the past seven days, we've been religiously poking fun at Scientologists. But why them? It's not just because Scientology is silly--mainstream religions like Christianity and Islam are quite wacky too. No sir, it has to be more than that.

So what makes Scientology special (as in uniquely retarded)? It's the way they require the payment of steep fees for participation in their activities--"the only church with a cashier's booth" as one ex-member calls it.

And the spiritual journey of a Scientology convert is by no means cheap. Only the first stress test is free. The spending spree starts when you buy the Dianetics book. But that's just for starters. You are then required to pay more for additional courses and auditing sessions in order to clear more alien ghosts from your body and advance in rank. Profound mysteries like the Xenu story are only available to high-level members like Tom Cruise, and reaching the highest level would take at least $250,000... pricey! In other words, only four gullible fools are needed to get Dr. Hubbard his... ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Muhaha.

That's why the Church of Scientology jealously guards its stash of secret knowledge with copyright and a big team of lawyers. That's also why smarter governments like the ones in Europe recognize the CoS for what it really is: a commercial enterprise selling dubious products. Just a few days ago, the Belgian government was preparing to file criminal charges against the "church" for fraud and extortion. Happy Scientology Week, heh.

The CoS also hasn't been too successful here in the Philippines. As of last May, they only had around 50 members in this country despite having a local presence as early as 1975. Seriously, 50 members in 30 years? Even chickenmafia.com's readership growth is twice faster than that.

I think the Scientologists are having a hard time selling their "technology" to us because we Filipinos are cheapskates. Look, the dominant religion here is one that gives out free bread and wine every Sunday. Besides, with over half the population living in poverty, Dianetics books with hefty price tags probably aren't going to sell too well. Duh.

They may be stepping up their game though. They seem to be proselytizing more publicly, and they've been trying to push their agenda through charitable causes. With their deep pockets and creepy sense of determination, it's entirely possible that they could eventually become successful here. And if they manage to recruit Judy Ann Santos, we're doomed.

Believe it or not, our Scientology Week festivities are intended not just to ridicule but also to inform, because the best weapon against quackery is information. We need reason and logic to counter the increasing influence of Scientologists and other crackpots.

Left unchecked, today's cults could very well be tomorrow's mainstream religions. Do you want to live in a world ruled by Scientology? I sure don't. Hell, I'd sooner join a cargo cult than fall for L. Ron's moneymaking scheme.

Hail Xenu!

Nicole Richie is in jail! Yay!

Oh wait, she isn't anymore. She was released from jail 82 minutes after checking in to serve her four-day sentence for driving under the influence of drugs.

You can call a four-day sentence a slap on the wrist, but 82 freaking minutes? That's a joke. The whole American justice system is a joke.

According to the article, "Her time at the Century Regional Detention Facility was spent getting booked, including taking a mugshot and submitting her fingerprints, Holley said. She didn't reach her jail cell."

What the hell? She didn't even reach her jail cell? She spent the whole 82 minutes waiting to have her fingerprints and a picture taken? Yeah, that sure sounds like some punishment. I go through pretty much the same thing every time I get my driver's license renewed. Poor girl.

If you think that was harsh, just wait till you hear about the severe punishment that awaits Lindsay Lohan. After going on a high-speed car chase while drunk and high on cocaine, she got sentenced to a grand total of... one day in jail. Slap that wrist! Yay! Gently gently yay.

Let's see.... If Nicole Richie's four-day sentence was over in 82 minutes, then Lindsay Lohan's one-day sentence should only take around 20 minutes. Yay! I wonder if they'll even have enough time to get all her fingerprints.

Somewhere, Paris Hilton is crying and screaming, "Mommy! Unfair!"

Poop poop poop poop poop. Poop poop poop poop poop poop, poop poop poop poop poop. Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop (poop, poop poop) poop poop poop poop....

Poop poop poop? Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop! Poop poop poop poop poop! Poop!

Poop poop poop poop poop poop--poop poop poop poop poop poop poop. poop, poop poop poop "poop" poop poop poop. Poop poop poop.

Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop. Poop poop poop poop poop poop.

"Poop poop poop! Poop poop poop Poop Poop poop poop?" poop poop.

"Poop poop poop poop poop," poop poop.

"Poop poop poop poop poop?" poop poop.

"Poop poop, poop poop poop poop poop," poop poop.

Poop poop poop.

Poop poop poop poop poop, poop poop poop poop poop poop. Poop poop poop.

"Poop."

Poop!

---
Poop: Poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop poop.

So Johnson & Johnson is suing the American Red Cross... yay....

Whoa, wait wait wait. They did what? They did what? Are they out of their freaking minds?

Listen, Johnson & Johnson dickheads. I don't care what the American Red Cross guys have done to you. You can't sue them. You just can't! Suing a nonprofit humanitarian organization is a lot like beating up your own grandmother--there's no way in hell that you can come out of it looking like a good guy. Congratulations, J&J. You'll forever be known as the company that sued the freaking Red Cross. Let's see how your PR department spins that one.

What horrible crime did the American Red Cross commit anyway? According to CNN, they infringed on J&J's trademark red cross logo. Huh? Let me get this straight. Red Cross doesn't own the red cross trademark? That's so wrong. Poor Red Cross.

You know what they should do? They should trademark a double penis logo then trade with Johnson & Johnson. That way, each side ends up with something appropriate to its own name. Better yet, just drop the stupid red cross symbol already. Like I told you before, it's nothing but trouble.

Need a new logo? I suggest a red croissant. It's delicious and uncontroversial. Mmm, croissant. Now I'm hungry. Damn it.

Two days ago, CNN.com had this pointless article in which Barry Gerald Sands was giving Lindsay Lohan some trite and unsolicited advice. Huh? Barry who? According to the article, he's a "defense attorney who's also a certified drug and alcohol counselor." Uh, very impressive.

Unfortunately, he's not a certified mathematician. "Whatever you have done in the past, do a 360-degree turn and go the other way," he said.

Thanks, genius. For people going down the road to destruction, doing a pirouette or two really helps. Not. Plus, if you're drunk and high on cocaine like Lindsay Lohan, doing a 360-degree turn would just make you fall down and throw up. Not fun.

To be fair, it's not just this guy. Too many people like to say "360-degree turn" without thinking about what it means. I've been hearing pastors using that expression in their sermons since I was a kid. "When I accepted Jesus, my life took a 360-degree turn!" Oh, really? Good for you.

Jesus, did all these people flunk geometry back in grade school? My head hurts.

Anyway, back to Lindsay Lohan.... she may have committed crimes way more serious than DUI and possession of cocaine. Three guys are accusing her of hijacking their SUV and taking them hostage as she went on a drunken high-speed car chase.

I don't know if those three guys are telling the truth or not, but either way, they should be ashamed of themselves. I'm not a chauvinist, but seriously, you three fully-grown dudes couldn't fight off one drunk chick? It's not as if she had a gun or something. Why not just kick her out of the car instead of covering your eyes and screaming like little girls? Grow some balls, wussies.

Or is he? J.K. Rowling doesn't want you to know. It's a secret that Pottyheads everywhere must guard with their lives! Hush hush!

Yawn.

I've never understood the mass hysteria over the Harry Potter books. I'm not saying that they suck, because as far as children's books go, they're definitely above average. I've read the first book, and I found it quite entertaining. I would have absolutely loved it... if I were still 10 years old. But for people in their 20s and 30s to go "OMG that's like the best book I've ever read" is simply--what's that word I'm looking for--retarded.

So is Harry Potter really dead? I don't know, and I don't give a shit. But, just for the heck of it, I'm going to say that he is. Hear that, fanboys and fangirls? Harry Potter is dead! Dead dead dead dead dead! Oh, how tragic! Now cry, damn it, cry!

Chickens of the world, here's what I want you to do. I want you to tell everyone that Harry Potter is dead. Feel free to make up your own cause of death. Be creative. Drowning, peanut allergy, erotic asphyxiation... the more ridiculous, the better. Blog about it, shout about it while running naked through the streets, and tell your cell mates about it when you get tossed in jail for running naked through the streets.

Go go go! You have two days.

UPDATE: Here's a list of people who have followed my instructions and announced the death of Harry Potter.

Good job, kids. Anyone else?

Caring for your baby daughter is stressing you out. What do you do? Why not put her in the microwave oven and cook her for 10 to 20 seconds? Problem solved. Yay! But wait, the police doesn't approve of your approach to parenting... uh-oh. What do you do? Why not blame it all on Satan? Problem solved. Yay!

Of course it's all Satan's fault. He was the one who compelled Joshua Mauldin to microwave the baby. And why the hell did Satan do that? He was trying to stop Mauldin from becoming a preacher, that's why. Hmm, that makes sense.

Many Christians like to blame Satan for everything wrong with the world, from the Holocaust to AIDS to Dr. Phil. Some even blame Satan for their own screw-ups. Now, I don't know if the "Satan made me do it" defense would work in court, but it sure isn't gonna fly with me. Grow some balls for God's sake. Stop accusing Satan of compelling you to do bad stuff. Considering that "Satan" literally means "the accuser," you're just pointing fingers at each other. It's kinda silly, don't you think?

Besides, are we even sure that Satan is the ubervillain that we think he is? Christians believe that Satan can't do anything without God's permission--see Job 1--which raises troubling questions. If God allows Satan to stir up trouble, wouldn't he be at least indirectly responsible for the suffering that follows? Is Satan just God's henchman, the one who does all the dirty work while God sits on his holy throne with his hands clean? And, most importantly, is Satan the one causing my hunger pangs right now?

Damn you, Satan. It's almost 5 AM! Oh well, I guess I can go microwave some babies for a quick snack before I go to sleep.