24 is back! Yay!

Well, that's not true... not yet anyway. The 7th season of the hit show was supposed to start back in January 2008, but it got postponed by a whole year thanks to the stupid WGA writers' strike.

24 will return in January 2009, but last week, fans of the show got something to whet their appetite. Fox aired a two-hour TV movie called 24: Redemption, which bridges the gap between seasons 6 and 7.

The movie had our hero Jack Bauer running around a fictional African country trying to save children from ruthless rebels, while, halfway across the globe, America swears in its first female president. That's right, I said a female president. And oh, her name is Allison Taylor, which is like the most vanilla name ever.

Eat your heart out, Hillary.

Eight years ago, way before Barack Obama became a household name, 24 made David Palmer America's first black president. Some pop culture pundits even credit the show for helping to make the idea of a black president palatable to some American voters, and thus possibly helping Obama's campaign.

I know that sounds stupid in all kinds of ways, but you know what else is stupid? The average American voter. Now, if season 7 of the show hadn't been postponed, Allison Taylor would have been the president on 24 right when Hillary Clinton was fighting Barack Obama for the nomination earlier this year. Could the writers' strike have cost Hillary her shot at the presidency? I guess we'll never know, but it's fun to think about.

Anyway, having a female president is nice, but Allison Taylor isn't exactly eye candy. Fortunately, we get a good dose of that from Samantha Roth, her son's hot girlfriend.

Unfortunately, she was putting her clothes on and not taking them off.

In the 24 universe, all beautiful women are either A) annoying damsels in distress who get innocent people around them killed, or B) heartless homicidal bitches who work for the bad guys. So which way will Samantha swing? My money is on B.

The classic example of A is of course Kim Bauer, Jack's hopelessly dumb daughter. In 24: Redemption, she managed to get one of the good guys killed, which is quite a feat considering that she didn't even make an appearance. I swear, the mere mention of her name causes people to die. I would hate her if she weren't so pretty.

Overall, 24: Redemption was not great, but it was a decent fix for fans like me. The body count was satisfyingly high too. One smart-ass poster on IMDB said, "Jack Bauer has surpassed AIDS as the leading cause of death in Africa." He may be right.

P.S. There was even a cameo appearance by two wayward cameramen. See if you can spot them.

Cut! Get out of the shot, you morons!

So I was watching Canadian Idol last week.... Yes, I said Canadian Idol. I like the funny audition shows, okay?

Anyway, some foppish dude named Ben Mulroney hosts the show. (Never heard of him before? Yeah, same here.) He fails at it too. Watch.

What a mulron.

Of course, it was probably just a lame attempt at a joke. But it's equally likely that deep down, he desperately wants to be Ryan Seacrest. And can you blame him? Seacrest gets the fans, the fake girlfriends, and even a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. What does Mulroney get? 10 inches of snow in a remote place called Canada--is that even a real country? Also, as lame as the "Seacrest out!" catchphrase is, it sounds a lot less retarded than "Mulroney out!" I bet he cries into his pillow every night asking God why life is so unfair.

Well, life is unfair. So suck it up. That's what Seacrest would do, heh.

Some people say that American Idol Season 7 winner David Cook is a clone of Season 5 loser Chris Daughtry. I disagree. Sure, they may sound somewhat similar (Cook sounds like a sleepy Daughtry). But, at the very least, they look quite different from each other.

Emo vs. chemo... which look is cooler? Discuss.

Anyone else watched Idol Gives Back? It was basically a bunch of mediocre musical performances mixed with celebrities emotionally blackmailing people to donate money to charity. Wow, really? Idol gives back? Awesome. I want American Idol to give me back the two hours I wasted watching the whole thing, please?

As much as the show underwhelmed me, I have to say that they're supporting some very worthy causes. Halfway through the show, Forest Whitaker showed up and talked about the malaria epidemic in Africa. He seemed like a sincere guy, and he has an Oscar, so I guess he must be a good actor (although he was terrible in Vantage Point). But he might have let his emotions go a bit out of control while trying to make his point.

Give, muthafucka!

Heh. Of course, that obscene gesture was entirely unintentional and not really funny. But I have the mental maturity of a 9-year-old kid and nothing else to blog about, so... yay.

There are lots of beautiful women on TV. And I'm not just talking about the big stars. Many women in minor roles are just as hot. Sure, they don't have much character development and don't contribute much to the plot, but they make horny young males drool every time they appear on the screen.

As hot as they are, they usually don't get as much attention as the big stars and the lead characters. Case in point: I didn't know four of the names on this top 5 list before today. And I only knew Ivanka Trump's name because she plays herself on her dad's show. I had to do hours of "research" to bring you this list of the 5 hottest useless female characters on TV (only from shows that I like, of course). Here's enough sweet eye candy to give you visual diabetes. Enjoy.

5.

Katrina Bowden as Cerie on 30 Rock. She plays a stereotypical blonde ditz. She's actually quite funny in most of her scenes, so she's not totally useless. That's why she's #5 on this list. If it's based strictly on hotness, she'd be a bit higher. Unfortunately, she gets very little screen time. She doesn't even appear in every episode. Why? Unfair.

Uh, what number are we at? I was distracted. Oh right, 4....

4.

Navi Rawat as Amita Ramanujan on Numb3rs. She plays the main character's former student turned assistant turned love interest. Creepy, I know. Like most supporting characters on plot-driven procedural shows, her role is totally dispensable. Her mediocre acting skills and unconvincing attempts at geekspeak also make her somewhat forgettable. She's pretty though.

Maybe she would be less boring if she showed more cleavage.

3.

Ivanka Trump as Donald Trump's robot daughter on The Apprentice. While Navi Rawat plays a smart chick on TV, Ivanka is a smart chick in real life. In the boardroom however, she constantly repeats useless lines like "that's a very tough decision" and "I think you made the right decision" to her dad. What a kiss-ass. Her presence on the Apprentice is so unremarkable that I couldn't find a good YouTube clip. So instead, I give you this clip of Ivanka on Jimmy Kimmel's show.

Did she just turned a gay man straight? Impressive.

2.

Sarah Lancaster as Ellie Bartowski on Chuck. She plays Chuck's straight-laced and overbearing big sister. Even though she's featured prominently in the cast listings, her character almost never affects the main plot line. Like all the other useless-but-hot characters on this list, you probably wouldn't notice if she's not there, but you would definitely notice if she's there. Hmm, does that even makes sense? Whatever. All I can say is that she's serious eye candy. I couldn't find a decent clip of her from the show, but I found this somewhat amusing compilation of Chuck promos.

Mmm, sandwich. Now I'm starting to get hungry.

1.

Liz Vassey as Wendy Simms on CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. Lab technicians on CSI are the epitome of useless characters. All Wendy Simms does is show up briefly once every few episodes, acting busy with high-tech equipment for a few seconds and maybe say a line or two, which is such a waste of her hotness. But there is hope. With Jorja Fox's Sara gone from the show, there's a chance that useless lab tech Wendy can eventually become a useful CSI like Natalia did on CSI:Miami. I hope she wins the role over the other lab tech in this clip because she's so much easier on the eyes.

A few years ago, Liz Vassey was cast as lesbian cop Nikki in the pilot of Nikki & Nora, a police procedural set in New Orleans. Sadly, the show never made it to air. Maybe the networks didn't like the lame name. The producers screwed up--they should have called it CSI:New Orleans and it would have been picked up for sure.

Anyway, if you have 40 minutes to waste, you can watch the pilot on YouTube (part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4). If not, just check out the best scene from the show.

Now you know why she's #1 on my list, heh.

Has anyone here seen the new sci-fi action series, Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles? I had been waiting for it ever since I got blown away by the leaked pilot a few months ago. I've never watched any of the Terminator movies, but I'm more or less familiar familiar with the story concept. I've even made a corny Sarah Connor reference here once.

In this new TV series, hottie Summer Glau plays a terminator sent back in time by future rebel leader John Connor with a mission to protect stupid emo teenage John Connor from harm.

Hmm... why did Future John send a sexy fembot instead of a menacing Arnoldbot? I wonder if she's, um, anatomically correct, hehe. What a pervert John is. Well, he's so gonna get grounded when his mom catches him fooling around with his metallic bodyguard.

Anyway, Summer Glau is disturbingly convincing in her role as a robot. So does that make her a very good actress or a very bad one? It's a tough question, and I can't figure it out.

What do you think? Help me out here.

A few weeks ago, NBA fans everywhere raised their eyebrows when the usually useless Marko Jaric suddenly started playing like an All-Star. Being a fantasy basketball geek, I needed an explanation. A bit of quick research showed that he has been dating Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima.

I don't know much about Adriana Lima except that she's hot and that she models lingerie for Victoria's Secret, which seems to be the only requirement for being considered a "supermodel" nowadays. One thing I don't understand is, what is a supermodel doing with Marko freaking Jaric? She could do better... much better. Even Eva Longoria managed to snag Tony Parker for heaven's sake. Hey Adriana, how about Michael Jordan? He's single now.

Anyway, Marko Jaric soon went back to being useless, and I forgot all about Adriana until Christmas Eve, when I decided to take a look at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show 2007. Hey, don't judge me. The writers strike has severely limited my viewing options.

I had never seen Adriana Lima in action before, so I wasn't prepared for the moment when she appeared on the catwalk. I almost fell out of my chair. She looked so... fierce!

"Sieg Heil!"

Goodness. Is this woman angry all the time? She looks pissed off even when she's smiling. Her personality is the complete opposite of fellow Victoria's Secret model Heidi Klum's annoying sunshine-and-rainbows cheerfulness. Scary. I think I'm in love.

Adriana's dramatic entrance got the show off to an electrifying start. Next, the camera turned to the audience and briefly caught the guy from Doogie Howser, M.D. looking really uncomfortable, which for some reason made me laugh.

"Bitch, that dress would look so much better on me...."

For those of you who don't know, he's gay.

Unfortunately, the rest of the show was somewhat boring. I found myself fast-forwarding a lot--finished the 40-minute show in a little over 20. Heidi Klum screeched out a mushy love song in a duet with her husband Seal. Yuck. Fast forward. The reunited Spice Girls performed one of their awful songs from the 90s. Yuck! Fast forward!

Later, I found this fun Victoria's Secret drinking game on YouTube. Take a look.

Heh. I like this Brooke Marks chick. She's funny--or at least her writers are--and her observations on Adriana Lima are spot on. I don't know if Adriana really enjoys killing dogs, but the murderous look in her beautiful eyes tells me that it's completely plausible.

So... hide your dogs, people.

Have you heard about Pushing Daisies? It's a whimsical comedy about a pie maker who can bring the dead back to life with one touch. I've been telling people that it's the best new TV show of the season. My friend Tiffy disagrees though. Apparently, she hates Chuck, the lead female character, for being stupid.

As much as I love the show, I have to admit that the Chuck character does get on my nerves. She's the kind of person that I would avoid in real life. She never sticks to the plan and gets all emotional at the most inappropriate times. I think the writers are just trying to make her quirky, but there's a thin line between quirky and annoying, and she crosses that line a little too often.

Still, I'm not the kind of person who would waste time ranting about a stupid TV character. So why this blog entry? Because I noticed that two other new TV shows also happen to have stupid lead characters named Chuck. Hmm.

Kelsey Grammer, who is best known for Frasier, plays news anchor Chuck Darling on the mediocre new sitcom Back to You. The Chuck Darling character is basically Fraiser Crane with half the IQ--Kelsey Grammer is such a one-dimensional actor. This Chuck says and does stupid things, the live studio audience laughs at him, and... that's about it.

Then there's the title character from Chuck, an entertaining action comedy about a slacker who has government secrets stuck in his head. You know how most Hollywood action movies have that one annoying goofy sidekick who always gets into trouble? Now imagine making that guy the lead character. That's Chuck Bartowski for you. And then they gave him his own annoying goofy sidekick too, which just doubles the irritation. One running gag on the show has Chuck regularly disregarding his CIA and NSA handlers' stern orders to stay in the car during dangerous situations... not very smart.

So there you go... three stupid Chucks on three different new TV shows. Is it just a coincidence, or does the name "Chuck" somehow invoke the image of a bumbling moron? I think this is an important scientific question that demands an answer. So if any of you know any Chucks in real life, please shed some light on this matter. Thanks.

This is from last night's Late Night With Conan O'Brien. It's probably the funniest thing I've seen on TV all week.

Quick, watch it before NBC throws a tantrum and gets the clip pulled from YouTube.

Ahahahaha! Ducks are stupid. Chickens rule.

I was watching The Tonight Show with Jay Leno earlier, and Leno mentioned that Lindsay Lohan will be one of their guests tomorrow. Oh, you mean that Hollywood cokehead who used to be kinda cute before she became a freaking cokehead? Yawn.

After the show, I went back to my PC to check the CNN.com RSS feed (that's something I do compulsively dozens of times everyday). I almost choked on my half-eaten cookie when I saw this headline: Lindsay Lohan arrested again.

Whee! I love CNN.

Less than 24 hours before she was scheduled to appear on the Tonight Show, Lohan was arrested for drunk driving and possession of cocaine. What a moron. The funny part is that she just came out of rehab two weeks ago. Obviously, the rehab wasn't very effective. Maybe a few months in jail will do the trick. She can take Paris Hilton's old cell.

All the late night comics will have a field day with Lohan jokes tomorrow... all except Leno. It's not easy to make mean jokes about someone who's sitting backstage without coming across as a bully. Letterman might be able to pull it off, but Leno? Nah. He always plays it safe. So if he wants to make fun of Lohan tomorrow, he'll have to cancel her appearance and find another guest. But what are the chances of getting an A-list guest on such short notice? They'll probably end up with someone really lame, like maybe Ben Affleck or David Hasselhoff. Hmm, what to do? It's such a dilemma.

I think Leno will go for a replacement guest, and that would be the smart thing to do. But it's less than 12 hours before the show, and their official website still lists Lohan as tonight's first guest. Hmm.

Er, shouldn't that be "this week's guests"?

So will she be on the show? Or will Leno be free to crack twenty Lohan jokes, each one less funny than the last? We'll see what happens.

UPDATE: Like I predicted, they found someone really lame to be the last-minute replacement guest.

Huh? Replacement? I don't see a difference.

To be fair, "Rob Schneider as Lindsay Lohan" does sound funny--about as funny as Leno and Schneider can ever get.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Schneider sucked.