Did you guys see the 2008 Miss Universe pageant? No? Me neither. But here's a highlight for you: Miss USA Crystle Stewart rocking the evening gown competition.

Hahaha!

If you get the feeling that you have seen this before, it could be because you actually have... sort of. At last year's pageant, Miss USA 2007 Rachel Smith also slipped and fell during the same segment. Deja vu!

Anyway, here's to hoping that Miss USA 2009 makes it a hat trick.

PETA is at it again. This time, they got Alicia Silverstone to appear in their "first-ever naked veggie testimonial PSA." Did someone say "naked"? Yay!

What, no boobies? Does this even meet the legal definition of "naked"? And I really don't see how eating nothing but veggies everyday can make you "feel so much better and have so much more energy." Little Timmy sure doesn't look too energetic to me.

Oh well, if she insists that she feels good, I have no choice but to believe her. But you know what has definitely not been good lately? Her career.

Once upon a time, Alicia Silverstone was supposed to be the next big Hollywood star. But she has hardly been heard from since she "won" a Razzie for her "performance" as Batgirl in 1997's Batman & Robin, the worst Batman movie ever made.

That was 10 years ago. And right around that time, she became a vegan. Hmm! Coincidence? I don't think so. Clearly, the logical conclusion here is that vegetarianism is bad for your career. Bad!

She still looks pretty good though. Yay.

The Church of Scientology has a nice marketing strategy: recruit and pamper celebrities. The celebrities are of course powerful marketing tools because of the influence they have over their fans.

The Church scored big when it snagged Tom Cruise, one of the biggest stars in Hollywood. The guy had it all--a successful movie career, a beautiful wife, and a squeaky clean image. It appeared that he was destined to be Scientology's poster boy, the Chosen One, the Messiah.

But something went wrong along the way. He got divorced, and things started to go south. At first, the situation didn't seem too bad. His career continued to cruise, and he dated the also-beautiful Penelope Cruz for a while.

JC says:

I desperately wanted Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz to get married and reproduce. It would have been so much fun to hear news of their kid getting beaten up at school for having a name like Bruce Cruz Cruise or something.

Then things went downhill real fast, culminating in the embarrassing Oprah couch jumping incident (thanks to Carnifex for finding the video).

After this and other public outbursts, the world began to see Tom Cruise as what he really is... a creepy psycho.

And now, it seems that he is up to his neck in trouble with his upcoming movie, Valkyrie. He has been cast to play the role of Colonel Claus von Stauffenberg, an anti-Nazi conspirator who plotted to assassinate Hitler sometime near the end of World War II. As you can probably deduce, Stauffenberg has become a dear hero for a lot of Germans, especially those trying to disassociate themselves from Hitler.

And the problem is, Germany hates Scientology! Having a Scientologist play a German hero is insulting to them, so now they have something else to hate: Cruise's guts. First, the film was banned from filming in all German military installations. Then he was labeled as "the Goebbels of Scientology." Not quite the Messiah anymore huh, Tommy?

More bad news came some weeks ago. Filming had to be stopped because 11 people got injured on their way to the shoot. The victims fell from a truck when its side panel suddenly burst open while they were going around a corner.

I'm starting to think that Xenu might have a hand in this. You're in trouble now Cruise. Xenu is after your Thetan butt! Run, Cruise, run!

Two days ago, CNN.com had this pointless article in which Barry Gerald Sands was giving Lindsay Lohan some trite and unsolicited advice. Huh? Barry who? According to the article, he's a "defense attorney who's also a certified drug and alcohol counselor." Uh, very impressive.

Unfortunately, he's not a certified mathematician. "Whatever you have done in the past, do a 360-degree turn and go the other way," he said.

Thanks, genius. For people going down the road to destruction, doing a pirouette or two really helps. Not. Plus, if you're drunk and high on cocaine like Lindsay Lohan, doing a 360-degree turn would just make you fall down and throw up. Not fun.

To be fair, it's not just this guy. Too many people like to say "360-degree turn" without thinking about what it means. I've been hearing pastors using that expression in their sermons since I was a kid. "When I accepted Jesus, my life took a 360-degree turn!" Oh, really? Good for you.

Jesus, did all these people flunk geometry back in grade school? My head hurts.

Anyway, back to Lindsay Lohan.... she may have committed crimes way more serious than DUI and possession of cocaine. Three guys are accusing her of hijacking their SUV and taking them hostage as she went on a drunken high-speed car chase.

I don't know if those three guys are telling the truth or not, but either way, they should be ashamed of themselves. I'm not a chauvinist, but seriously, you three fully-grown dudes couldn't fight off one drunk chick? It's not as if she had a gun or something. Why not just kick her out of the car instead of covering your eyes and screaming like little girls? Grow some balls, wussies.

I was watching The Tonight Show with Jay Leno earlier, and Leno mentioned that Lindsay Lohan will be one of their guests tomorrow. Oh, you mean that Hollywood cokehead who used to be kinda cute before she became a freaking cokehead? Yawn.

After the show, I went back to my PC to check the CNN.com RSS feed (that's something I do compulsively dozens of times everyday). I almost choked on my half-eaten cookie when I saw this headline: Lindsay Lohan arrested again.

Whee! I love CNN.

Less than 24 hours before she was scheduled to appear on the Tonight Show, Lohan was arrested for drunk driving and possession of cocaine. What a moron. The funny part is that she just came out of rehab two weeks ago. Obviously, the rehab wasn't very effective. Maybe a few months in jail will do the trick. She can take Paris Hilton's old cell.

All the late night comics will have a field day with Lohan jokes tomorrow... all except Leno. It's not easy to make mean jokes about someone who's sitting backstage without coming across as a bully. Letterman might be able to pull it off, but Leno? Nah. He always plays it safe. So if he wants to make fun of Lohan tomorrow, he'll have to cancel her appearance and find another guest. But what are the chances of getting an A-list guest on such short notice? They'll probably end up with someone really lame, like maybe Ben Affleck or David Hasselhoff. Hmm, what to do? It's such a dilemma.

I think Leno will go for a replacement guest, and that would be the smart thing to do. But it's less than 12 hours before the show, and their official website still lists Lohan as tonight's first guest. Hmm.

Er, shouldn't that be "this week's guests"?

So will she be on the show? Or will Leno be free to crack twenty Lohan jokes, each one less funny than the last? We'll see what happens.

UPDATE: Like I predicted, they found someone really lame to be the last-minute replacement guest.

Huh? Replacement? I don't see a difference.

To be fair, "Rob Schneider as Lindsay Lohan" does sound funny--about as funny as Leno and Schneider can ever get.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Schneider sucked.

I feel too lazy to write anything today. So how about a little highlight from the recent Miss Universe 2007 pageant?

Hahaha!

Poor Americans. First they got a mentally-imbalanced Miss USA, and now they got a physically-imbalanced one. Heh.

How about a little instant replay?

Hahaha!

As much as you thought it would, this entry isn't about joyfulchicken.

Finally, I get around to writing one of these. I'm guessing it's been more than a year since I wrote an entry, which I think is a record for procrastination, even for this lazy-ass site.

Anyway, I was going home from a gig one night when I heard a commotion up the street a short distance from the bar we played at. Being the dumbass that I am, and since I was still within sight of a few friends, I kept walking along. Surrounded by a rowdy group of hip hop-looking teens were two short shorts-wearing gay guys engaged in a hair-tearing fight. It was like watching a UFC fight, only with more hair and nipple-twisting. Now, I'm a peace-loving guy. The "Make Love, Not War" sticker I have on my notebook would attest to that. But I don't know what the proper social etiquette is for such a situation. Obviously, I wouldn't want to get in the middle of things, lest I get in the way of a wayward bitchslap.

Seeing as the situation was like a William Hung recital (you'd like to end it but you can't), I decided to let the fight fan in me prevail. That was entertainment boxing, pro wrestling and mixed martial arts can't provide. How often do you see a fighter eat a slap to the face while trying to keep his thin, old-school NBA-length shorts from falling off? By the way, he wasn't successful at keeping it on.

Just wanted to impart a great mental image. Why should I be the only one to suffer?

Over the weekend, CNN.com reported some amusing stories of cruelty to animals. Fun!

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A sixth-grader in Kansas got into trouble after stabbing a mother duck and two ducklings to death with a pencil. Yes, a pencil--those things can be real dangerous especially when sharpened. I know conservatives will say stuff like "Pencils don't kill people; people kill people." But how many more ducks have to die? Isn't it about time we sit down and seriously consider banning pencils in schools before another tragedy happens?

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In Peru, people put frogs into blenders to make a gooey smoothie that supposedly boosts stamina and sex drive. Some call it "Peruvian Viagra." I call it absolutely disgusting. Still, I can't help but wonder what it tastes like. I also think that they should try using toads instead of frogs. Imagine a drink that can both increase your sexual prowess and get you high... and it's much cheaper than LSD too. Sweet.

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Paris Hilton was sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating her probation. OMG the judge is like so unfair! Jail is for poor people only. Spoiled rich girls shouldn't have to follow the law like everybody else. And she already said she's sorry! What more do you want? Tsk. Someone please report this to PETA. They'll tell you that Paris shouldn't be kept in a cage. She should be allowed to run free in the wild and make sex tapes!

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We should all do our share in stopping cruelty to animals. I shall leave now you with the quote of the day: "Every time you choke the chicken... God kills a kitten." Yay, it rhymes!

Yesterday, British actor Hugh Grant was arrested after attacking a photographer with a tub of beans. Whee! Food fight!

You probably know beans as a type of food that can make you fart. But "bean" can also be a verb that means "to strike a person on the head with an object."

Hmm. So can we say that Hugh Grant tried to bean someone with a tub of beans? Heh.

Did I mention that beans can make you fart? Farts are funny.