Shocking news: soccer star David Beckham is moving to the USA! He has signed a five-year $250M contract with Major League Soccer's Los Angeles Galaxy. The news brought overwhelming joy to American soccer fans--all twenty of them.

Seriously, I didn't even know that there's a "Major League Soccer" in the US. Are you telling me that there are enough soccer fans in that country to make a major league commercially viable? In a world crazy for soccer, the US and the Philippines are supposed to be beacons of reason and light. Has our American brothers gone over to the dark (and boring) side? I'm scared.

And the 250 million dollars... that's a huge truckload of money. The Chicago Bulls didn't pay Michael Jordan half as much for all the years he won championships for them. So why would a soccer team from a country that doesn't care much about soccer pay such an insane amount for an aging footballer with a history of injuries? $250M? Does the LA Galaxy even have 250 fans? OK, I'm being stupid. Of course they do. There's a huge market of futbol-loving Mexican immigrants in LA. But still, $250M?

So why did Beckham agree to the deal? Duh. I can give you 250,000,000 reasons. Wait, make that 250,000,001 reasons. According to him, his buddy Tom Cruise helped convince him to make the move to Hollywood. "... I asked him for his advice because he is a very wise man," Beckham said.

Really? Tom Cruise? A wise man? A very wise man? Come on! Beckham is a fool. If he keeps taking advice from Tom Cruise, we might soon see him convert to Scientology, divorce Posh Spice, and jump like a baboon on Oprah's couch while declaring his undying love for Hilary Duff. Well, at least he'll still have the 250 godzillion dollars.

He can just take the money and spend it like Beckham.