Scientology: would you like to take a free stress test?

It's Scientology Week on chickenmafia.com! Yay!

On a Saturday afternoon a few months ago, I went to WTC Metro Manila with some friends for a trade fair. There, our lives changed forever. OK, that's not entirely true, but I like how dramatic that sounds, heh. Anyway, back to the story....

It begins with a booth.

When I first walked past it, the big "Church of Scientology" printed on top didn't register in my brain right away. Seconds later, I jumped a little as the horror/excitement suddenly hit me. Oh my god, this can't be! Has Scientology finally invaded the Philippines? Oh no! Yay!

As I stood there in shock, a cheerful guy with a ponytail came over and asked, "Would you like to take a free stress test?" Hell yeah!

I knew enough about Scientology to know that the free stress test is their primary recruitment tool. They give you a test with an E-meter, tell you that you're totally stressed out, then sell you a copy of the Dianetics book which serves as your ticket into the wonderful world of Scientology.

None of that mattered to me though as I approached their table. I was just delighted at the chance to mess with a real Scientologist.

Wow, it's all there! The E-meter, the Dianetics book, the general atmosphere of creepiness... sweet! Ponytail guy asked me to sit down, grab one metal handle with each hand, and think of something stressful. I thought about lunch. The E-meter needle swung wildly to the right. A confident "Aha!" expression appeared on ponytail guy's face.

"You have a lot of stress. What were you thinking about?" he asked.

"I was thinking about lunch," I replied, softly biting my tongue to stop myself from laughing.

He looked confused for a moment but recovered quickly. "Oh, you haven't had lunch yet?"

"I have."

"So why is lunch stressful for you?"

"Um, I don't know." (I guess I was too ashamed to say that I'm always thinking about food.)

He then said that I can attend a free seminar to learn about dealing with stress if I just buy a copy of the Dianetics book for a hefty price. I said no.

Philos was up next. I'll let him tell you about what happened.

I held on to the E-meter, and the Sciento-loco asked me about the stressors in my life. I said work. At the same time, I was busy checking the meter out to see if I can manage to control its movement. I thought I was successful in that I got it down to zero by loosening my grip on the handles. But then he said that my stress level is high because the needle kept moving. So I stopped, but he said the meter now shows that I couldn't let go of things. I asked where should it be pointing to show no stress at all. He said the middle. so I gently added pressure to the handles until the needle went up the middle. He went on to mention how stressed I was again and how the book would be able to help me, to which I politely (I regret that now) declined.

Heh. Nicely done, my friend. Our other friend seemed quite impressed by the stress test though. He probably would have bought a copy of the magic book if we didn't drag him away.

After our close encounter with Scientology, Philos and I started to scour the Net for more information. We managed to gather so much stuff that we decided to have a Scientology Week. Over the next seven days, we'll share with you the joys of Scientology.

Yay! Hail Xenu!

Who is Xenu, you ask? Good question. Come back tomorrow to find out.