Scientology: I'm not buying it

"Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion."

    --Dr. Evil
 

It's the final day of our Scientology Week! For the past seven days, we've been religiously poking fun at Scientologists. But why them? It's not just because Scientology is silly--mainstream religions like Christianity and Islam are quite wacky too. No sir, it has to be more than that.

So what makes Scientology special (as in uniquely retarded)? It's the way they require the payment of steep fees for participation in their activities--"the only church with a cashier's booth" as one ex-member calls it.

And the spiritual journey of a Scientology convert is by no means cheap. Only the first stress test is free. The spending spree starts when you buy the Dianetics book. But that's just for starters. You are then required to pay more for additional courses and auditing sessions in order to clear more alien ghosts from your body and advance in rank. Profound mysteries like the Xenu story are only available to high-level members like Tom Cruise, and reaching the highest level would take at least $250,000... pricey! In other words, only four gullible fools are needed to get Dr. Hubbard his... ONE MILLION DOLLARS! Muhaha.

That's why the Church of Scientology jealously guards its stash of secret knowledge with copyright and a big team of lawyers. That's also why smarter governments like the ones in Europe recognize the CoS for what it really is: a commercial enterprise selling dubious products. Just a few days ago, the Belgian government was preparing to file criminal charges against the "church" for fraud and extortion. Happy Scientology Week, heh.

The CoS also hasn't been too successful here in the Philippines. As of last May, they only had around 50 members in this country despite having a local presence as early as 1975. Seriously, 50 members in 30 years? Even chickenmafia.com's readership growth is twice faster than that.

I think the Scientologists are having a hard time selling their "technology" to us because we Filipinos are cheapskates. Look, the dominant religion here is one that gives out free bread and wine every Sunday. Besides, with over half the population living in poverty, Dianetics books with hefty price tags probably aren't going to sell too well. Duh.

They may be stepping up their game though. They seem to be proselytizing more publicly, and they've been trying to push their agenda through charitable causes. With their deep pockets and creepy sense of determination, it's entirely possible that they could eventually become successful here. And if they manage to recruit Judy Ann Santos, we're doomed.

Believe it or not, our Scientology Week festivities are intended not just to ridicule but also to inform, because the best weapon against quackery is information. We need reason and logic to counter the increasing influence of Scientologists and other crackpots.

Left unchecked, today's cults could very well be tomorrow's mainstream religions. Do you want to live in a world ruled by Scientology? I sure don't. Hell, I'd sooner join a cargo cult than fall for L. Ron's moneymaking scheme.

Hail Xenu!