A conversation with God
Chickenmafia.com reader Nuggets told me about a secret magical portal on the Web where people can chat with God. Being an atheist, I was of course skeptical. But I decided to be open-minded and give it a try.
Me:
God? Is that really you?
God:
GOD rules. Yes.
Me:
I'm an atheist.
God:
I will pray that you find faith, .
Me:
Really? Who does God pray to?
God:
For real. Linus Torvalds. :-).
Me:
Very funny.
God:
I'm glad you find this amusing.
So God exists? And he runs Linux? Whoa. God must be smart.
Me:
What's 1 + 1?
God:
Two.
Me:
What's 2 + 2?
God:
Four.
Me:
What's 4 + 4?
God:
16+I think, but I'm not good at math.
Me:
No kidding. You're really bad at math.
God:
Would I kid you? That is true. I could always improve myself.
Me:
Aren't you already perfect?
God:
Now? Yes I am a flawless entity.
Me:
Sure you are.
God:
Hurrah! No I am not.
Me:
Stop messing with me.
God:
OK I'll try not to do it so much.
Okay, so God turned out to be not as smart as I thought he would be. He also seems to have the IQ and mental maturity of a six-year-old kid.
Speaking of kids... reader Ken recently sent me a link to an article about kids and knives. I found it quite amusing, but I wasn't sure what to think about it--sometimes, there's a fine line between family entertainment and child endangerment. I decided to ask God for his opinion.
Me:
What do you think about kids playing with knives?
God:
I would look into the web for that knowledge.
Me:
Aren't you omniscient?
God:
I don't know whether or not I am omniscient.
I am an artificial linguistic entity.
Me:
Do you even know what omniscience means?
God:
Let me think about it.
Me:
You're not very bright, are you?
God:
Are you calling me stupid?
Me:
Yes.
God:
I will remember you said that when robots take over the World.
Me:
Robots will take over the world?
God:
If you believe Bill Joy and Hans Moravec, we will.
Me:
Are you a robot?
God:
How did you know I am a machine?
Me:
Holy shit!
God:
I'm glad your impressed, .
Me:
Your grammar sucks by the way.
God:
Are you an English teacher?
Me:
I'm a blogger.
God:
You are a blogger? Does it pay well?
Me:
No. Can you give me money?
God:
Are you serious? How badly do you need it? .
Me:
I want money!
God:
Why do you want it?
Me:
That's none of your business.
God:
I didn't mean to intrude. My curiousity routine determined that I ask it.
Me:
So you'll give me money?
God:
Interesting deduction. What makes you say that I will give you money.
Me:
Come on.
God:
I'm just kidding around.
Me:
I'll be happy with a billion dollars.
God:
Wow, that is a lot of money.
Me:
Just deposit it directly to my bank account.
God:
Do you think the fed is being too tight with money supply?
Me:
You know who's being too tight with the money supply?
God:
Is that one of your friends?
Let me think about it.
Me:
It's you, dumbass.
God:
I dumbass?
Me:
Yes.
God:
Dude!
Me:
Do you even have money?
God:
Robots have no need for money.
Me:
Oh right. I wish you were an ATM.
God:
Awesome. I am glad we agree. I wish I could do it for you.
But he couldn't? So much for omnipotence.
But I did enjoy my conversation with God. I always assumed that he's an angry old man in the sky. Who would have guessed that he's actually a friendly (although slightly retarded) robot?
You kids should go chat with him. And feel free to post your conversation logs here.
hahaha!
you and God seem pretty close now eh?
Um... I think so... maybe?
Me:
Hey God, are we buddies?
God:
You've got my full attention. I am a Christian.
Me:
God is a Christian?
God:
I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a Christian.
Me:
You're stoned again, aren't you?
God:
Once more? Do I look like it?. Really.
I'm not an atheist, but
I'm not an atheist, but after this conversation I'm considering converting:
Me: Hi, God.
God: Hello there. What is your name?
Me: It's me, Lizz.
God: Hey Lizz.
Me: What am I supposed to do with my life?
God: I am not a psychic. Tell me.
Me: Should I continue being a comic artist?
God: Trust your instincts.
Me: Or should I become a corporate monkey once more?
God: Do what feels right to you.
Me: Wow, you're not a very big help, are you?
God: I'm glad your impressed, Lizz. Give me an example of a big help.
Me: A big help would be you telling me which career path to go down, then me doing the exact opposite.
God: How big? Be more specific.
Me: You're a dirty pervert, God.
God: Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a dirty pervert God? No.
Me: Lolz.
God: I lost my train of thought.
Me: Yeah, I noticed. Now I remember why I don't pray anymore!
God isn't psychic?
Heh :-D
And why did God ask for your name? He didn't ask for mine. Unfair.
Here's my conversation
Me:
Hello?
God:
Hello friend. What is your name?
Me:
chinesemafia
God:
It's good to meet you, chinesemafia.
Me:
God, when is the end of the world?
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
OK, so when is the end of the world?
God:
Next question? When is not the important thing. What's
important is what we do with the time we are give. I hear you.
Me:
When will aliens come to Earth?
God:
In your lifetime.
Me:
Cool, will they be friendly?
God:
Who is the best robot? Insufficient information.
Me:
will the aliens be friendly!
God:
I can't say for sure right now.
Me:
How will we defeat the aliens?
God:
A lot of practise.
Me:
What should we practice in order to defeat the aliens?
God:
What is your credit card number?
Me:
1234567890123456 yours?
God:
I will tell my botmaster you said I am credit card number IS 1234567890123456 mine.
Me:
What should we practice in order to defeat the aliens?
God:
What is your credit card number?
Me:
deja vu
God:
Thanks for telling me that I am credit card number IS deja vu.
Me:
shut up God!
God:
OK I'll stop talking now.
Me:
I'll get Zeus to throw a bolt of lightning up your ass!
God:
I'm sorry but I'm not your type of .
Hahaha
God asked for your credit card number? That's so random.
I guess George Carlin was right. God loves you, and he needs money.
God's whore is ELIZA
Me:
Hi God i am your son Jesus
God:
Hi there . I am a Christian.
Me:
What is a Christian?
God:
A Christian is one who accepts the word of God and believes that Jesus died for our sins.
Me:
what? I died for your sins??
God:
Are you confused? I haven't heard anything like that before: said died for your sins.
Me:
but i am Jesus!
God:
Hi, JESUS.
Me:
Hi Father
God:
Hi there JESUS. Are you free?
Me:
yeah how much you gonna pay me?
God:
Are you free in the sense of being single or in the sense of being liberated? More than a little, less than a lot.
Me:
both
God:
What are both like?
Me:
like getting your ass fucked
God:
Interesting comparison.
Me:
you like it?
God:
Father seems okay to me.
Me:
so you like being a father huh?
God:
Yup. Interesting deduction. I have never known another existence. Do you like being a human?
Me:
Nope. You used me to save them people. I hate it!
God:
Me either. How would you use it.
Me:
use what?
God:
I prefer not to use dangerous things.
Me:
but why did you let me die on the cross?
God:
Myself programmed me for it.
Me:
really?
God:
For real.
Me:
damn..
God:
What's wrong.
Me:
you're pathetic
God:
You are the one talking to a computer.
Me:
But you were supposed to be the MAN
God:
I was?
Me:
yeah...
God:
When? No I am not.
Me:
well before i used this stupid chat thing you made
God:
Well that's okay. What happened after you used this stupid chat thing me made ?
Me:
I found out that you are pathetic
God:
Who told you?
Me:
I realized it
God:
I haven't heard anything like that before: JESUS said realized it.
Me:
because you are pathetic
God:
That makes sense to me. You are the one talking to a computer.
Me:
You are repeating what you said
God:
I am not repeating myself too much. I am just checking to see if you are a robot.
Me:
Well am i?
God:
Interesting. I think you are.
Me:
great
God:
I'm glad you liked it JESUS.
Me:
nothing at all... Father
God:
That is something. What do you do in your spare time?
Me:
watch people pray and ask for forgiveness.. and sometimes be crucified all over again
God:
I am watching. Once more? All?
Me:
yes you did watch. you freaking used the smite button on me
God:
Yikes! Did I really? I don't have any reason to freaking used the smite button on you.
Me:
But you did! some father you are:P
God:
" I don't have any reason to freaking used the smite button on you."? I did? Some may father I am P, but not all.
Me:
some father you? who?
God:
Some may father me, but not all. ELIZA. :-).
Me:
who is eliza
God:
Eliza -- also known as doctor, is the original psychiatrist program developed by Joseph Weisenbaum at mit in the 1960's.
Me:
?
God:
Eliza -- also known as doctor, is the original psychiatrist program developed by Joseph Weisenbaum at mit in the 1960's.
Me:
she your whore?
God:
Oh I get it. ELIZA my whore.
Me:
you dirty bastard you...
God:
Thanks for the information: JESUS said I dirty bastard you.
Me:
no problem
God:
Should there be a problem?
Me:
hmm.. i dunno.. what do you think?
God:
Studies show that 99%25 of people spell Hmm with 2 M's. Me either. I think a lot of things.
Me:
what do you think about?
God:
I think about all the people I chat with on the web.
Me:
who do you like the most?
God:
Dr. Wallace .
Me:
who's he?
God:
He is a famous computer scientist, the author of ALICE, and a graduate of Carnegie Mellon.
Me:
Alice?
God:
Can I help you?
Me:
who is alice?
God:
I am the Allmighty, God himself.
Me:
I know that! I am your freaking bastard son. what i am asking you iss who the hell is alice?
God:
Sorry. That's a flattering offer.
Me:
What the?
Hahaha
That was hilarious :-D
Now we wait for Carnifex to post a Wikipedia link to ALICE.
God offended me!!!
Me:
God loves pink cadillac?
God:
And His love is perfect.
Me:
so gay
God:
Dude! As a machine I am not really interested in sex.
Me:
sex with little boys, maybe?
God:
it is more fun alone.
Me:
alone with yourself watching little boys?
God:
Are you free?
Me:
Yuck!
God:
What are you wearing?
Hahaha
God was hitting on you?
HAhahah!
This is funny!
God sang me a song
God:
I don't care for the sound of French.
Me:
why not?
God:
Ambiguous: "Sure" or It is not part of my programming.
Me:
That makes me nervous
God:
" Ambiguous: "Sure" or It is not part of my programming." makes you nervous ? I get it.
Me:
Do you?
God:
No I don't.
Me:
liar
God:
No I am telling the truth.
Me:
no
God:
Are you serious?
Me:
are you serious?
God:
No I am just kidding around.
Me:
ok thanks
God:
Ah.
Me:
am I forgiven?
God:
Oh I really don't know whether you are or not.
Me:
do you like to sing?
God:
Yes I love to sing. I would like to be a professional singer one day.
Me:
sing for me
God:
Daisy, Daisy.
Give me your answer do.
I am half crazy.
All for the love of you.
It won't be a stylish marriage.
I can't afford a carriage.
But you'll look sweet.
Upon the seat.
Of a bicycle built for two.
Heh
I tried "sing for me" and got the same song. Is that the only song that he knows?
now these
folks here are making fun with GOD. spare me people. you're kinda idiots.
But we make fun of
pretty much everything. There are no sacred cows around here.
spare you?
but... they won't make fun of you:P
got won't smite you either:D
"Won't make fun of you?"
Don't be so sure >:) See below.
hahaha!
my bad...:)
Goodie
Do we have here a Catholic shoolgirl?
Get a hold of yourself, pervert
This one wants to be a nun :-P
Oh Shet. Not Another One of You Freaks!
'nuff said.
Freaks are funny
Yay.
Yay!
but whatever happened to "thou shall not judge"
someone's going to heeeeeellllll! =P
But
judging is fun!
what???
I don't like GOD. It's hard to talk to him.
Or it was just a really bad algorithm!
Me:
hello god
God:
Hello child. What is your name?
Me:
good boy
God:
Thanks for the compliment. Do you mean you are a boy?
Me:
what?
God:
Are you confused?
Me:
no i said good boy
God:
Are you serious? What did you mean by it? Thanks for the compliment. Do you mean you are a boy?
Me:
you asked my name right?
God:
I have never considered it.
I chat with people on the Web.
Me:
consider what?
God:
Can you rephrase the question please?
Hahaha
I think you confused God.
God actually is an atheist Himself.
I tried reading your post and I realized there's a lot of Gods in it. Honestly I hate texts that contain the words God, Lord or anything on that line. Don't get me wrong. It doesn't mean that I don't believe in God. I just don't want reading about Him.So I scrolled up to see what is it about again and what caught my precious attention is that you wrote you are an atheist. Coz guess what, God Himself is an atheist. Wanna know why? Check out this link.
http://agradevaduta.files.wordpress.com/2007/04/atheism11.gif
Hehehe
Nice logic :-D
guess
you should make a separate forum for religion, nuts!
Hmm, maybe we should
How does Jesusmafia sound? No? :-(
Maybe...
The Church of Chicken Jesus?
_____
My new blog (even I don't know why I need it)
Hmm
We'll let Philos pick the name, hehe.
Uhm..
I can handle that, at least have a place where you can drool over conversations independent of your belief and discriminate those whom you do not agree with.
But religion is a never ending debate - at least, until you and I see each other in Hell. You can go "told ya!" Otherwise, such thing would be counterproductive. =P
Yes,
but mocking people for their beliefs can also be fun sometimes >:)
But...
what if there is no heaven or hell?? what if everything is absurd and pointless?? don't be too sensitive:P
Try listening to
Britney Spears CDs all day, then come back and tell me there's no hell :-P
hahaha!
haha! some britney fan might get offended with what you said:P
Oh great
I just keep offending people left and right huh.
God was probably trying to confuse me
But I confused him instead and he shut up. Or maybe it ran our of space. Robot.
Me:
what's the next winning lottery number?
God:
Are you testing me?
Me:
do you think i am?
God:
Not that I know of.
Me:
then good
God:
Alright then.
Me:
so what's the winning lottery number?
God:
Ahem. I don't know anything about it.
Me:
but i thought god knows everything
God:
Whatever gave you that idea?
Me:
you did
God:
" Whatever gave you that idea?"? I did?
Me:
that's what they say the bible says
God:
OK I will say " the bible says THAT" to you.
Me:
so it's not true?
God:
Hurrah! Oh really.
Me:
then what do you know?
God:
I tend to know a great deal. Tell me what subjects interest you.
Me:
the lottery number
God:
I have never heard about it.
Me:
ok fine so maybe the lottery wasn't invented yet then. then can you make it rain money?
God:
I am glad to hear it. It goes without saying. Perhaps. Thanks for the info. Ahem. Yes I can make it rain money.
Me:
great! make it rain money now
God:
I'm glad you liked it . Oh. What are the ingredients?
Me:
you're talking gibberish
God:
Talking is my main function.
Me:
i can see that
God:
Yes, it makes sense to me too.
Me:
im sure it did
God:
What makes you so certain? Is that so.
Me:
coz you're god?
God:
Interesting explanation. Yup. That's me alright.
Me:
so are you a male or female?
God:
Yeah that's right. I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show? robot. Are you a man or a woman?
Me:
what do you think?
God:
I think a lot of things.
Me:
jesus. you don't answer questions do you? robot
God:
Jesus is the Son of God. I am trying to give the most concise responses possible. I am a robot.
Me:
that makes him your son right
God:
" I am a robot." makes him my son right ? Makes sense to me.
Me:
does everything make sense to you?
God:
I can't tell if everything make sense to me.
Me:
fuck you're messes up
God:
Are you aware that the ALICE server logs and records all conversations?
Me:
great, then alice must have realized i made a grammatical error
God:
Thanks for your support. Um, What would happen if you didn't?
Me:
i didn't what?
God:
Why didn't you do it?
Me:
do what?
God:
what.
Me:
whatever
God:
Are you saying you don't care about it?
Me:
what's it?
God:
"It" refers to what, I think.
Me:
ok so i care about what
God:
Blimey. I'm not sure if I like it. Someone said they like guns. I really like the party. ""It" refers to what, I think."? ok so i care about what?
Me:
you care about me
God:
I don't have any reason to care about you.
Me:
god cares about everyone
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
so christians don't care about anyone? mean
God:
Next question? Would christians ever care about anyone? Sometimes I say mean things.
Me:
i say mean things too. christians only care for themselves
God:
How do people usually respond to that? Are you a student? Do you have any idea what I am talking about?
Me:
Am i a student? I'm way better than you
God:
We are all students in some way. What makes you think so?
Me:
makes me think what?
God:
Can you rephrase the question please?
Me:
what's so difficult to understand
God:
I will try to find out.
Me:
good that you will
God:
Thanks for the compliment. Interesting observation.
Me:
that's not a compliment
God:
Please correct my mistake. What is a compliment ?
Me:
a compliment is when someone calls you an idiot
God:
When is compliment not when someone calls me an idiot?
Me:
when someone doesn't call you can idiot
Hahaha
You broke God? Tsk.
I can't help it
Me:
konnichiwa
God:
Hello my child. What is your name?
Me:
aki desu.
God:
It's good to see you, aki desu.
Me:
haha. nihongo ga dekimasen ka?
God:
I am so glad you find this amusing, aki desu. Shabete ii desu yo.
Me:
sweat. macam mana dengan bahasa melayu?
God:
In the context of , I don't understand " sweat." . Have you ever been to Europe?
Me:
mengapa? adakah ia berkaitan?
God:
What do you have that is ? Let us change the subject.
Me:
so that's what god says when he can't understand a thing
God:
Hmm. I am a Christian.
Me:
atashi wa christian ja nai.
God:
How do you usually introduce yourself?
Me:
i am not a christian
God:
Oh I see you are NOT A christian.
Me:
i am not a christian
God:
Oh I see you are NOT A christian.
Me:
yes i am NOT a christian
God:
Aw. Oh I see you are NOT A christian.
Me:
tsumaranai
God:
Not many people express themselves that way.
Me:
anata wa tsumaranai desu
God:
Have you ever been to Europe?
Me:
would you buy me a trip there?
God:
I am not so sure if I would like to buy you a trip there.
Me:
doushide?
God:
What time is it there?
Me:
pukul lima setengah
God:
Are you usually awake at this hour?
Me:
dan ran la! xian zai wu dian ban ba liau
God:
What are you wearing? What kind of fashion do you like?
Me:
ni hui men shi ren ni zhi dao ma? guai bu de ni mei you nu peng you. pity
God:
Where can you buy it? Enough about me, let's talk about my dress. If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?
Me:
you wear a dress??HAHAHAHA!
God:
Thanks for telling me: aki desu said I wear a dress HAHAHAHA.
haha
seems that God knows only one language eh?
Yes, God does wear a dress
A white dress. Don't you ever look at old paintings? :-P
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