I laughed for two full minutes after reading this story. It sounds like a tall tale, but it's on CNN, so it must be true....

A German guy wanted to visit Sydney, Australia, so he tried to book a flight online. Unfortunately, he made a typo and soon found himself headed towards Sidney, Montana, a small town halfway across the globe. He spent the next three days in a Montana airport while waiting for his mother to send him money to buy a new ticket.

Mein Gott! The dude is a disgrace to the Aryan race. Hilter must be rolling in his grave.

Life is unpredictable. One can learn about totally useless facts at totally unexpected moments. I sure learned something today.

For dinner earlier this evening, I threw some Christmas party leftovers on a plate, covered it, pushed it into the microwave oven, closed the door, and set the timer to 3 minutes--all pretty standard procedure. But as the light inside the oven came on, I saw that the cover I used had at least a dozen ants crawling on it. Oops.

I thought about stopping the oven, but I was too hungry. Besides, ants are protein-rich, right? So I left the ants in the oven and went to see what was on TV. By the time I came back a few minutes later, I had forgotten about the ants. Imagine my surprise when I saw little black dots running around as I opened the oven door. Oh my god, they're alive! Holy crap! And they're now crawling all over my food. Crap.

As I flicked the ants off my plate, I couldn't help but wonder how they survived the microwave oven. Don't microwave ovens cook stuff by causing water molecules to vibrate and heat up? I'm pretty sure that insects contain lots of water. So why the hell weren't the ants fried and crispy?

Well, they'll probably all get cancer soon, but for now, they're alive. Scary. And what if they don't get cancer? What if the microwave radiation gave them super powers instead and eventually turns them into super evil mutant ants that will take over the world? Scary!

Then the mad scientist in me started wondering if larger animals can also survive microwave cooking. Maybe I should do an experiment with a kitten or a puppy. Will it survive like the ants did? Or will it turn into an exploding ball of fur? Hmm... time to schedule a trip to the local animal shelter.

Last week, reports surfaced that Miss USA Tara Conner might be fired because of bad behavior. However, pageant boss Donald Trump decided to give her a second chance. Here's a quick summary of what happened at the press conference.

	Please don't fire me, Mr. Trump!
	Fine, you're not fired.
	Yay!
	Now you must die, woman.
	Huh? Who the fuck are you?
	I'm the Terminator. Prepare to be terminated.
BANG!
	You... you shot me!
	Yes I did.
	Oh my God, they killed Miss USA!
	You bastard!
	Yay! I've finally terminated Sarah Connor!
	That's Tara Conner, not Sarah Connor, you dumbass.
	Oops, hehe. Oh well. I'll be back.

No, I'm not drunk, I swear.

By the way, here's some random trivia from IMDB: O.J. Simpson was considered for the role of the Terminator, but the producers feared he was "too nice" to be taken seriously as a cold-blooded killer.

Heh.

PLEASE OBSERVE PROPER USE OF PUNCTUATION

Faulty grammar, and unnecessary commas are not allowed in the outlet.

Thank you,
The Grammar Nazi

One of the best seasons of Survivor in recent memory ended Sunday night with a somewhat anticlimactic season finale. It wasn't bad, but it was so predictable. We start with a cookie-cutter obstacle-course-and-puzzle immunity challenge, which of course was easily won by Ozzy. As expected, Adam, the last whitey left in the game, was voted out.

The Klan can't be happy about this.

Our happy final four soon got a tree mail ordering them to go on the corny "rite of passage" thing that they do towards the end of every season. For some reason, the news caused them to whoop and jump with excitement. Jesus Aitu Christ, it's just a long boring hike. There's really no need for you to get that excited, OK?

WARNING: spoilers ahead.  read more »

You want the definition of irony? I tripped and almost fell over while taking this picture.

This week's reward challenge required the survivors to collect as much mud as possible with their bodies. As a result, everyone was covered in mud for almost half the show. Fun fun! For some reason, seeing muddy people makes me laugh--probably because mud looks like diarrhea, and diarrhea is funny. It was a pure visual gagfest from the moment Becky inexplicably plunged her whole face into the mud. "It's like watching bad performance art," Jeff Probst said condescendingly as he watched the survivors turned themselves into characters from a bad Claymation movie.

Random observation: Becky looks kinda like Buddha when she's covered in mud.

Ozzy, Parvati, and Yul emerged as the winners. They hopped on a plane--still covered in mud, hahaha--and headed for a spa to claim their reward. Wouldn't it be hilarious if they were sent to one of those spas with mud baths?

WARNING: possible spoilers ahead.  read more »

This, as my sister patiently explained to me, is a beanie baby dressed up like Ronald McDonald. The annoying little thing comes with McDonald's Happy Meal. There are also bear versions of other McDonald's characters such as Grimace and the Hamburglar. My sister said she's trying to collect them all.

Collect beanie babies? That's so 90s. And Happy Meals? Jesus. I wanted to mock her. "Aren't you too old for Happy Meals? And why are you collecting beanie babies? Why are you collecting McDonald's beanie babies?" Then I remembered that I'm the one who laughs at every fart joke and has a website full of chickens, so I decided to shut up.

Still, I think they really need to enforce a strict age limit on Happy Meals. You should not be allowed to buy a Happy Meal if you're over 18. Come on, act like a responsible grown-up and buy a beer to go with your Big Mac and cancer-causing fries--that should be about as happy as a meal can get for you. Seriously, you don't deserve a toy with your meal. You just don't!

Adults must not be allowed to be happy. If you're old enough to drink, you should be old enough to know that life is nothing but meaningless suffering and pain, punctuated only by moments of alcohol-induced euphoria that quickly dissolves into a cesspool of misery.

Happy holidays, everyone :-P