I attended a company Christmas party last week.

I hate company parties. They are always awkward and boring. And I didn't expect this one to be any different. Actually, I expected it to be real bad since I had to wake up early for it. 10 AM? What kind of party starts at 10 AM?

As I walked in, someone handed me a program. It had a lot of words printed on it--14 items in all. I was dismayed to find out that the only item that I cared about, lunch, was at #10. What? There are 9 other things that I have to sit through before I get to eat? Bummer.

Item #8 was a "gay fashion show contest." What better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ than a party that has an opening prayer, a closing prayer, and a gay fashion show in between? And I though God hates gays. Well, maybe he's learning to be less homophobic. You've got to give him credit for that.

At least the gay fashion show was mildly entertaining. The song contest before that... Jesus Christ. I was asked to be a judge for that contest, and good thing I declined. I would have gone all Simon Cowell on them. The contestants weren't singing. They were screaming into the microphone. Apparently, someone forgot to explain to them that the purpose of the microphone is to eliminate the need to scream.

After sitting through all that crap, I finally got to eat. The food was not bad. The central attraction was a lechon baka (roast calf). I was lucky enough to see a waiter pulling the calf's eyeballs out. That really made my day.

Happy birthday, Jesus.

Yes, Christmas is finally over. Well... in a few hours that is. Hmmm... maybe for me it's over but for most of the planet it'll last a few more days. Heck, I felt Christmas coming when I heard a Christmas song being played on the radio way back September. SEPTEMBER!!! Don't you guys have anything better to do? We haven't even celebrated Halloween yet! Not that Halloween's a valid holiday. But give respect to those who want to celebrate it. Like gay people who want to dress up like Madonna or something. Don't piss off chinesemafia!

We don't have respect for other people who don't celebrate Christmas. 12 days of Christmas? Screw you! It started way before! As in WAY BEFORE! There's 8 days of Hannukah and most Jewish people don't even get past the 5th day. But Christians, oh boy, celebrate like there's no tomorrow. Tomorrow's coming asshole! Because if it didn't, there won't be Christmas now would it?

We celebrate Christmas by making a lot of traffic because, fuck, we don't have enough traffic on our roads! Somebody must've told everyone, "C'mon! Let's make traffic hell! Then it'd feel a lot more like Christmas!" When I find this son of a bitch, I will kill him with my bare hands!

So there, here's to Christmas, Santa Claus and the Keebler Elf! Merry Christmas to one and all! Hope you didn't choke on your eggnog. It would be a shame if you did. And to those who want me to be politically correct, happy holidays asshole!

I hate Christmas shopping, so I try to put it off as much as possible. But yesterday was the 24th, and I knew that, with less than 12 hours to go before Christmas day, I had no choice but to get moving.

So I dragged my lazy ass out of the door and headed to the mall. The traffic was surprisingly light. Maybe everyone got their shopping done early this year. Hmm.

On my way to the mall, I passed by a bookstore. A brilliant idea flashed through my mind. Why don't I give everyone books this year? Yes, that's right! What a great idea!

So I went into the bookstore, and was pleased to see that there were surprisingly few customers. Score! This is going to be the quickest Christmas shopping trip ever!

Well, almost an hour later, I still haven't picked out the right book for anyone on my list. I didn't imagine that it would be this hard. Hmm, maybe that's because the people in my family don't really like to read. Give them books! Great idea indeed.

I did get three books for myself though. I have this weird mental disorder: I like to buy books, but I don't like to read them. Hmm, my mom probably won't like this book... but I like it. I think I should get it. It would look good collecting dust on my bookshelf.

After a few more minutes of aimless wandering around the store, I finally stopped trying to find the right book for each person on my list. I just grabbed a book for each one and ran out of the bookstore as fast as I could.

It was the longest Christmas shopping trip ever. Next year, I'm getting everyone chocolates.

Christmas isn't Christmas 'til it happens in your heart.
Somewhere deep inside you is where Christmas really starts.
So give your heart to Jesus, you'll discover when you do,
that Christmas is really Christmas for you.

This song touched my heart years ago when I first heard it. Now, more than 10 years later, it struck me in a different way now that I work with heart patients. A lot of people misinterpret the message and literally eat their hearts out come Christmas, and die in the process... leaving their family hoping they end up with Jesus.

So all you Chickenmafiosos out there, watch what you eat! We wouldn't want to lose any more readers.

Merry Christmas!

Wow! Can you feel it? It's less than 3 days to go before Christmas! Now, I don't really care about the specific date, since I don't believe it was really in December that Christ was born. Funny how no one alive today knows when exactly Christ was born, not even the year--some say it's closer to 4 B.C. Be that as it may be, I'm still perfectly willing to celebrate it in December as per tradition.

As far as tradition goes, each family seems to have their own tradition. There's the perennial question of whether to put up a Christmas tree. What's a tree for anyhow? As far as I'm concerned, it's where the gifts are gathered together in hopes of getting other people to contribute to the pitiful pile. Noche buena? Or Christmas party on the Christmas day itself? Just as long as there's lots and lots of food, I'm OK. In fact, I choose both.

Quite recently, I have acquired a strange habit: sending SMS to everyone I know wishing them a Merry Christmas, which I doubt helps in anyway making their Christmases any merrier.

Don't even get me started with the gifts. 2000 years ago they gave gold, incense and myrrh. I don't mind so much about the other 2, but where is the gold? And now I get candles, some crappy pen and a cheap perfume. Maybe one dark evening, I can spray on the cheap perfume and write me a ghost story.... Then again, maybe I can just reuse the gifts and pass them on to some poor slob.

The best thing about Christmas will always be the "getting together with the family" part. Each year we gather, sit each other around a Christmas feast discussing our life so far. Each trying to gather as much dirt to laugh about come New Year's Eve when the fear of getting my arms or, God forbid, something more important blown to bits by firecrackers and gun-toting maniacs. Oh come on, don't pretend to be an angel, I know you do that in your family too.

In the tradition of Santa Claus, Merry Christmas to all! And if you do your reunion right, a Happy New Year to you too!

I am neither.

That is, if the Political Compass test is to be believed.

Some people may accuse me of having the temperament of Hitler and the fashion sense of Gandhi, but according to the test, I don't have much in common with them as far as political inclinations are concerned.

The test classified me as a right-wing libertarian--which sounds about right. How about you? Are you a Hitler, a Gandhi, or a dumbass George W. Bush? Take the test to find out.

That's right, you heard me. I hate Christmas.

I hate Christmas so much that I wrote a little poem about it. I hate poetry too, but I hate Christmas more.

I hate Santa and his bulging belly
I hate Christmas specials on the telly
I hate the lights and the decorations
I hate the carols on the radio stations
Don't tell me about the holiday spirit
I think that is a load of bullshit
I hate the fake snow and the dead tree
I hate Christmas, and Christmas hates me

As you can see, there are so many things that I hate about Christmas (and poetry). But, more than anything else, I hate Christmas shopping.

Well, I have to admit that I hate shopping in general. But Christmas shopping even worse than normal shopping. The traffic is horrible. The crowd is horrible. The Christmas songs that they play over and over at the mall... horrible.

There are only 5 days until Christmas, and I haven't done any shopping yet. I know I should get started, but the mere thought of going out the door while all this holiday crap is happening fills me with dread.

God, I hate Christmas.